I am giving up
by erdi99
Summary: Regret, tumor and death


**Ranger's POV**

"Here before us lies Stephanie Michelle Plum…." The minister starts speaking and my heart, that stopped beating a long time ago, crumbles in my chest and a pain sears through me like I never experienced before. This is final. She is gone and I don't know how I am going to go on living.

 _"_ _SAY SOMETHING….JUST. SAY. SOMETHING" She shouts at me, tears streaming down her face._

 _"_ _I can't" I shake my head. "I don't know what to say."_

 _"_ _Say you love me. Say it was a mistake. Say we will get through this" She pleads and I can't even bear to look at her. Even now she wants to stay. She wants to be with me despite of what I did. Now more than ever it shows that I don't deserve her._

 _"_ _I can't"_

 _"_ _Just tell me why" She almost whispers._

 _"_ _I don't have a good enough reason. I wanted it, so I did it." I lie. There is a reason. I wanted to destroy the best thing that ever happened to me, because I thought I didn't deserve it. Because Steph deserves better than me, better than the life I can give her. So I cheated._

 _"_ _I don't believe you. But if you are not willing to be honest, not willing to work through whatever this is...I have to give up...I am giving up Ranger." I can hear in her voice that her heart is breaking apart._

My lunges stop taking in air, I grab my chest and barely stifle a groan. "Ranger?" Tank grabs my head and pushes it between my legs. "Breathe" I can hear the pain in his voice. He loved her just as much. We all did.

"I can't do this. I should have never…." I choke out as quietly as I can to not disturb the minister, who is still speaking.

"I know...I know Buddy" Tank taps a hand on my shoulder and I can feel Lester and Bobby, who are sitting behind us, do the same.

 _"_ _What are you doing here?" Steph looks at me surprised._

 _It's been a year since I saw her last and she looks way to skinny and way to pale. "Lula told Tank, who thought I should know."_

 _"_ _You shouldn't have come. This has nothing to do with you." Steph, despite her weakened state by the Chemo treatment, shoots me her famous Jersey glare._

 _I swallow hard and step closer to her bed, where she is receiving yet another round of chemo. "I am...I am so sorry" I choke on my words and instead of stepping closer to her, I walk over to the window. At least they assigned her a nice room with a view. The tears and panic which have I tried to keep at bay are now coming out in full force. She is right. I have no right to be here. I gave that right up when I slept with someone else and broke her heart._

 _"_ _I screwed up" I say when I finally manage to get myself back under control. "I didn't deserve you. Never did. I slept with her because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to leave me, because I knew I couldn't ever leave you. You were my light and my drug, but you were way too good for me…."_

 _"_ _Ranger…." Steph sighs._

 _"_ _You are the love of my life..." I shake my head and almost laugh. "I wish I hadn't done it, I wish, instead of drowning my misery I had made you happy this past year."_

 _"_ _You are only saying this because I am sick" She says weakly and I don't blame her for not believe me. I wouldn't believe me either._

 _"_ _No" I shake my head again and turn around to face her. "No...I am saying this because it is the truth. I am going to find you the best doctors and we are beating this, so I can make it up to you for the rest of our lives."_

"Stay strong Buddy" Tank claps me on the back again, before I right myself. My eyes instantly fall on the picture on an easel next to Steph's grave. It was taken a few years ago at the beach, during our happier times. Her brown curls are framing her head, she is wearing a red, polka dotted swing dress, which brings out her breast and stops at her knees. Her feet are bare and she is laughing into the camera, her blue eyes sparkling.

I have the same picture framed on my office desk and as the background picture on my phone. Happier times. They seem ages ago and the memories miles away.

 _"_ _No….I can't take it anymore" Steph shakes her vehemently. Obviously she has made up her mind._

 _"_ _Just one more Babe….please" I beg, but I already know she won't change her mind. Her body is failing her, I am failing her. I didn't hire the best doctors in time. Chemo, after chemo and experimental treatments and nothing worked. The tumour is still growing, Steph is still dying. "No….Babe" I shake my head and fall to my knees next to our bed. I haven't left her side since that day eight months ago in the hospital._

 _"_ _I am so sorry Ranger...but I can't take anymore" She is now crying. I quickly scoot up to the bed, gently lift her so that she is lying almost on top of me. She is so skinny that I can feel her ribs._

 _"_ _It's ok….it's ok...I am the one that is sorry...This is my fault"_

"If anyone would like to say a few words? You can come up to the front." The minister announces and steps aside.

I take a deep breath, stand and walk to the front, passed Steph's parents and sister. Here goes to nothing Babe. "The first time I met Babe...Steph...she was eating a big plate of Spaghetti at Pino's. She wanted my help to make her a bounty hunter. Had she not been so serious and had our friend Connie not asked me to meet her, I would have laughed right into her face.

But there was something about her….a determination, a strength that most elite soldiers lack, made me want to help her and made her get back up every time she was knocked down. She never gave up.

The only time she gave up was when we broke up two years ago. She had every right to and I am sorry that it had to come to that. I am sorry you had to give up on me Babe.

Babe, I am so sorry for everything. For the heartache and pain I caused you. That I gave up on us when I should have been fighting my own demons.

I love you, always will. I will see you soon!"

 _"_ _I LOVE IT" She shouts and grins at me. I carry her down to the beach and set her into the sand, right under the umbrella, so that she won't get burned. "Thank you Ranger."_

 _"_ _You are welcome Babe" I smile, settle in next to her and pull her into my arms so that her head is resting in the crook of my shoulder._

 _"_ _Hey...why are there no people here?" She suddenly asks after a while of comfortable silence. When I don't answer, she cranes her neck to look at me. "Tell me you didn't?"_

 _"_ _Didn't what?" I ask sheepishly, knowing exactly what she is referring to._

 _"_ _You didn't just rent this house, did you? Tell me you didn't buy it and the beach?"_

 _"_ _I didn't buy the house or the beach" I grin down at her and she smacks my abs. "Fine…" I sigh dramatically. "I bought the house and the beach."_

 _"_ _Ranger…you are crazy" She sighs and shakes her head, but a small smile plays on her lips. "It's perfect."_

 _"_ _I know, that is why I bought it" I kiss the top of her head and look back out to the ocean. As Steph's mentioned that she wants to go to the beach one last time, I found this beach house for rent. It is a small house, nestled into some cliffs with a secluded beach. As soon as I offered a substantial amount more than the house is worth, the owner accepted it._

 _This is a perfect day. So peaceful._

 _I must have dozed off, because when I wake up the sun has set and the stars have come out. Despite it still being warm for me, I know Steph must be freezing._

 _"_ _Babe...Let's go inside" I gently shake her shoulders, but don't receive and answer. "Babe...wake up" I shake a little harder, before stone cold fear hits me. I move my hand down to her neck and feel her pulse, but there is none._

 _"_ _No" I shake my head and sink back into the sand. "NO NO NOOOO" I shout, tears run down my face. I know there is no need to try to revive her. She has a DNR and I don't want to disrespect her wishes._

* * *

A couple of weeks after the funeral

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Tank asks and looks at my packed bag in my hand.

"I do. I need to get away for a while" I nod. He doesn't need to know that this mission to 98% will end with me coming home in a box myself.

"Julie?" Tank asks.

"She understands. I have spoken to her and she is taken care of." I inform him. "I have to go."

"I love you man" Tank says, hugs me and claps my back when he lets go of me. Maybe he does know?

"I love you too"

"SHIT...Captain...Captain...stay with me. We are almost there. Why the hell did you had to do that?" The rookie shouts and presses his hand on my abdomen to slow down the bleeding.

I had to save the kid. He is only 20.

"It's ok…." I waive him off and I don't have the energy anymore to keep my eyes open. **I will see you soon Babe.**


End file.
